I Thought You Meant...

Have you ever walked away from a conversation completely convinced you knew what someone meant... only to discover later that the two of you had been having entirely different conversations? It happens more often than we'd like to admit.

Someone says, "Can you get that to me soon?" you hear, "By Friday." they meant, "Before lunch." Neither of you were trying to create confusion. Neither of you were being unreasonable. You simply filled in the blanks differently.

That's the funny thing about communication. We rarely hear exactly what's being said. We hear it through our own experiences, expectations and assumptions. Our brains are remarkably good at completing unfinished stories. In fact, they do it all day long.

Your manager asks if they can see you for a few minutes and suddenly you're replaying every mistake you've made over the past month. Or, a client hasn't replied to your proposal in three days and you start wondering if they've chosen someone else. A colleague walks past without saying hello and you convince yourself they're upset with you - Most of the time, none of those stories are true. They're simply the stories we create when we don't have all the information.

Assumptions are comfortable because they give our brains an answer. Unfortunately, they're often the wrong answer. Some of the biggest communication breakdowns don't happen because people communicate badly. They happen because nobody checks whether they understood each other in the first place.

Think about how many problems could be avoided by asking one simple question: "When you say soon, what does that look like?" ,"Can I just make sure I've understood correctly?", " Could you explain what you mean by that?" Those questions don't make you look inexperienced, they make you look intentional.

Somewhere along the way we've convinced ourselves that asking questions makes us look uncertain. In reality, it's usually the opposite. The people who communicate best are often the people who ask the most questions. They know that clarity isn't something you assume, it's something you build together. It's also worth remembering that communication isn't just about what you say...it's about what the other person hears. Those two things aren't always the same.

You might think you've explained something perfectly. The other person might walk away with a completely different understanding.
Neither person is wrong. They simply arrived at different conclusions using different pieces of information. That's why great communicators spend less time trying to sound clever and more time making sure they're understood.

The next time you find yourself thinking, "I know exactly what they mean," pause for a moment - do you actually know......or are you filling in the blanks?

There is a surprising amount of trust built into asking a question instead of making an assumption. People feel heard; they feel respected; they feel like their perspective matters, and perhaps that's what good communication really is - Not having all the answers but having the curiosity to ask one more question before deciding you already know them.

One thing to think about...The next time you're about to respond, ask yourself one simple question: Am I responding to what was actually said... or to what I've assumed was meant?

Those two conversations rarely end in the same place.